Emotion Se Hi Motion
No I didn’t get the tag line nor the title wrong. This is me, Pooku as my boyfriend calls me. And my emotion highly determines my motion (or the lack of it should I say). As I lay on the hospital bed with the withdrawal of a tube that was…you know…up my…to mine my jewels out, I couldn’t help associate my situation with the characters in Piku.
I’m a 24years young actress who visits the hospital more than home. I swallow more pills than grains of rice and set unrealistic goals like anyone who is about to turn 25 would. The dazzling world of cinema is I guess a not so dazzling process for those who are in it to win it. The late night and double call sheet schedules, erratic food timings and the unnecessary information we actors who need to deal with production managers are privy to certainly doesn’t help the mind or the body. Well all of this and then the pressures we put on ourselves outside of our work space- “When will I know if I’ve made it?”
“Semi liquid motion first and then two days of gas and constipation. What should I do?”
Yeh Koi Message Hota Hai Dene Ke Liye Office Main? – Asked my mumma never. My mum and doctor are used to me sending them messages about my gastroenterology. I’m far from embarrassed to describe the color, shape and state of my ‘whatsapp Hershey’s Kisses icon’ anymore. Until I was admitted in the hospital a week ago looking at an X-ray of my body clogged up with colon. I thought to myself, ‘Dayum I’m so full of shit.’ The week went by painfully as I was under tremendous pressure (both physically and mentally). No amount of medication or massages seemed to be helping my body and mind to hit the filthy flush lever. That’s when I snapped at my doctor and asked why I was living in a hospital room and being served like I’m at a 5 star hotel when I’m loosing the heavy insurance premiums my mum has struggled to pay for literally nothing. C’mon I gots to be squatty potty by now. But all he told me was that I just got to let it go.
– “But I even applied so much pressure to get it done. It hurts so much.”
– “Please don’t put any pressure. Don’t think, just let it go.”
Insaan Ka Emotion Uska Motion Ke Saath Juda Hua Hai.
Like Mr.Bachan’s sister in the film says that he is suffering from constipation in the mind and not in the tummy, I have with great difficulty tried to understand so. Okay, truth is that I’m not only suffering from GERD and constipation but also a whole bunch of other ailments (Some because of bad genetics and most because of a terrible lifestyle). While to some the seriousness of not pooping might not occur, I must tell you that I’m having to deal with bouts of anxiety because of all my health issues. But when I thought deeper, I realised that I’m dealing with these health issues mostly because I let pressure pull the trigger. It really is all in the mind.
I’ve chosen a career in a field that teaches patience truly is a virtue. A field where the biggest hurdle is in testing my own patience. One where sometimes I’m judged by my looks, sometimes by my talent and mostly by how diplomatic I can be. More importantly one, where I got to create my own opportunities. So why should this be this hard? Isn’t that what we all are dealing with these days? So many young women fighting PCOS, Diabetes, Thyroid, depression, Anxiety and what not. Is it now THAT normal that medication is just a part of our routine? I’m just thinking out loud on my public journal. I just want a simple life, one where I don’t pressure myself unnecessarily. One where…you know, I can just let it go.
I suffer the medical trauma of Bhashkor Banarjee, the mental stress of Piku Banarjee but wish that we could just chill the f*** out like Rana Chaudhary.
*Secretly hope publishing this blog helps me flush*
Letting it go,